8/19/09 - I had a bad day

The day started well with my first good meal in a couple of days. Oatmeal with Ghirarhelli chocolate powder, orange juice with wheat grass powder and a banana! Bessie got the Ghirardelli chocolate for me from the supermarket. It definitely improved the taste of the oatmeal. The wheat grass powder didn't taste as bad as the shots they give you at Jamba Juice, so that's good as well. And finally, bananas! Glorious bananas! I have been trying to get bananas the last several days from Room Service, but they keep telling me I am not allowed to order it. The computer says, "No raw fruits and vegetables allowed". But my doctors keep telling me it is okay because I can peel the bananas. Aach! Finally got my doctor to let Room Service know that I CAN have bananas.

Then, the pain started. I have been getting stomach cramps on and off the last several days, but yesterday, it was almost constantly there. I was even afraid to move, because it felt like moving would trigger another cramping spell. How bad was it? Imagine a huge canker sore inside your lower abdomen. So, any food or drink I take will have to go through it and cause it to be sore. Ayayayayayay! It was bad. They finally put me on Donna Bella pills that were supposed to soothe the cramping. My new favorite Italian food is now Donna Bella!

My diarrhea had eased up a bit with the combination of Lomotil and Immodium tablets. They still couldn't figure out what caused the diarrhea. No bacteria, no parasites. No, it was not the cream puff. It might have caused 1 days' worth of diarrhea, but not this prolonged saga. At this point, the doctors are almost ready to just write it off as a side effect of the chemo and/or all the antibiotics that I have been taking all this time.

The chicken pox is getting better each day. The sores a slowly looking better. My fever's still on and off and once again, the doctor could not figure out why I have been getting this fever. They were afraid I have an infection but could not find any. I'm not sure if it is good or bad.

New development: jaundice. The white around my eyes have turned really yellowish - almost greenish. I just looked at myself in the mirror this morning and it looks wierd! Oh well, with my bilirubin being low, this was bound to happen. It is not hepatitis and not contagious, in case you're wondering. Too bad Halloween is still months away. My eyes could certainly freak some people out.

Katie, Ellie and Rob came for a visit last night. And they had a big box of Godiva dark chocolates with them! Thanks, Cynch! Normally, my palates would be doing their happy dance and I would be all giggly inside just wanting to get at those soft, yummy morsels of paradise. But not last night. That's when I realized I was really having a bad day! I didn't eat any of the chocolates yet. They're too good to be wasted on bad days. I want to get at them when I can eat them with gusto. Not too far in the future, for sure.

Katie is starting to feel really bad about this whole thing. She misses me a lot and she has been asking difficult questions now. Last night, after telling me how badly she feels about what I had to go through, she asked me, "why you?" The only thing I could think of is "Why not?". She is asking the ageless question about Pain and Suffering, and why bad things happen to good people? She told me weeks ago that it is very difficult for her to understand all this. My poor 8-yr old girl, trying to grapple with questions most people don't even start thinking about until they are much older. She has always been mature for her age. What do I tell her? I want to tell her that God is sovereign and will do what He chooses to do. That God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. That even if we don't understand anything that is happening, God is in control and His character never changes. He is always all good and all loving. That something far better than the pain and suffering we will go through will come out of this, either in our lifetime or beyond. But how do I tell an 8-yr old all these? I just said a prayer that God will reveal Himself to her in a way that she can understand. This is one of those rare occasions when I am at a loss for words.

I will have my second biopsy in twenty minutes to see if the chemo worked. I am not looking forward to it. This time, they will use Morphine in addition to Lidocaine to help me go through it without freaking out like last time. I shall get myself ready for it now.

Thank you all for your prayers and God bless you all.